This 4th of July, please remember…
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Happy Taco Tuesday
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with