Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.