omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Awesome parenting 😂
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Whoa… oh I see lol
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space