A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Breaking news:
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?