I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
welp