On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
why am I working on Labor Day
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Important
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.