rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6