Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?