People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”