Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
asking santa clause for nudes
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*