My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
You Might Also Like
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.