Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
You Might Also Like
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
How animals would run if they were human
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”