I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
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seems fine
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.