I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.