If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.