Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My five year plan is a meteorite
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.