when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
WHY?!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage