DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not