When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city