“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this