You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have