As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
You Might Also Like
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably