*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I want what they have
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.