the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My favorite female superhero
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that