“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works