Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.