Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot