7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Care for your back
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.