A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.