Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.