I wish all tests were things you peed on
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Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
what it’s like dating me:
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Beauty and the Beast
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.