Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*