[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Godspeed, John Glenn
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.