KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
White parent Vs Arab parents
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Beware…..
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.