My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.