Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”