‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
He a real one for that
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.