*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I’m giving up for Lent.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.