Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now