Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.