*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
the prophecies have been fulfilled
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.