Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
dream blunt rotation
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.