Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I think about this a lot
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.