Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.