If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”