Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
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Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
how to have fun when you’re poor
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is