[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: