Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
You Might Also Like
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
no such thing as a dumb question
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.