[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
You Might Also Like
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.