3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission